Embarrassing Kid Moment #247,023

child commentsThe following event occurred yesterday morning whilst I was in the store grabbing a pack of diapers for Big Trouble (who is obviously still determined to break me in the potty training department since we were getting yet another pack of diapers, not underwear).

The Setting:

Big Trouble was being quite the little gentleman and this trip to the store had me beaming at the people passing by as I showed off how well my little boy was behaving.  Yep; pat on the back for being an awesome mom;  isn’t he just the cutest little thing?!  I made him.

The Incident:

Then he opened his mouth and SHOUTED a question that no one ever wants to be asked loudly in public:  “MOM, DO YOU NEED TO POOP IN THE POTTY?”

Shh!  No honey, Mommy’s just fine right now, thank you.

He wasn’t satisfied so there was a follow-up question:  “NEED TO PEE-PEE?”  (people are now staring and snickering)

No baby, Mommy already went to the potty.  Do you need to go?

“NO!  DID YOU TOOT?”

Good Lord, NO!  There are no bodily functions going on right now so please stop shouting!

“I GET DIAPERS.  I STINKY GROSSY! MOMMY STINKY GROSSY! HA HA!”

Oh my Lord, please just come with me to the self-checkout so I don’t have to face a real cashier!…..

End of Scene.

Needless to say, I was quite embarrassed by this happy outburst.  I assume it was payback for my constant barrage of questions concerning his potty training process and lack of progress, but who can say?

I know I can’t be the only one with crazy kids who say things like this, right?!

Turns out, I’m not.  So, here’s a few more fun things that other kids have said!  I would love to hear your stories, too!  Misery loves company! 🙂

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We’ve Mastered Another Skill…Just Not The One I Was Hoping For

Today, Big Trouble started drinking from a straw.  I’ll hold for applause.

SUCCESS!

SUCCESS!

Now, this may not seem like that big of a deal, but seeing as though he gets soaked every time he tries to drink out of a regular cup, it really is!  The kid can literally take a dime-sized amount of water and make it look like he just survived a flash flood.

But now, thanks to this new development, we can start using the “big kid” cups with lids and straws instead of sippy cups or the “ok, guess we’ll go get a bath now” cups!  I’ll admit that it was torture so fun making weird faces and trying to give him samples of how to sip from a straw, only to have him just make noises and/or accidentally blow spit bubbles and laugh.

Mind you, this has gone on for nearly a year.  The kid has no interest in my time frame for ANYTHING.  I’m just now starting to get that (can’t imagine where he gets his stubbornness from).  But, I keep trying like the idiot that I am because I that’s my job.  And, nothing makes me feel like a bigger success than finally seeing one of my kids master something they have been trying to do; even if it is as insignificant a milestone as drinking from a straw.

The moment I saw my troublemaker give me a huge victory smile, thus drooling out most of the liquid he had just learned to sip up, I held my head high, looked to the sky and thought, “yeah, I taught him that” (not the drooling part, just to clarify; the actual sipping from a straw).  I am a success and so is my boy!

Then I turned back to look at my precious little one who was making me so proud…and I see this:

"Wook at my hat, mom"

“Wook at my hat, mom”

Yep.  That’s the inside of his consistently unused potty seat sitting there, upside down on his head.  I did not teach him that.  Guess we still have a little work left to do on some of our skills….sigh.

We Are Back And Just In Time To Remember Why We Put Potty Training On Hold

Well, we survived our trip out West.  I must admit that Big Trouble, while still active and randomly crazy, was pretty good on all four flights we had to make, despite the crazy times we were flying.  It was not easy by any stretch of the imagination, but it could have been MUCH worse.

I should have some pictures up later this week showing off a few of our adventures, but until then, here’s an update on our return to potty training.

When we last left you, things weren’t going so well with Big Trouble and his dependance on diapers.  I started seriously trying with him in January.  It was pretty difficult because of the fact that every day we had to leave to do drop-off and pick up for my big kids so I couldn’t just stay home for a few days while he went naked or in big underwear (thanks a lot for that “tip” educational potty books – who has time for that?!).  I kept trying here and there, but 2 months later and still no real interest.

So, as any other good (tired) mother would do, I called it quits until we returned from our trip to San Francisco.  Let’s face it; Big Trouble is trouble enough without having to deal with taking him to the bathroom every 20 minutes on a plane and then in strange places we have never been before.  I just couldn’t go there.

But, now here we are, back at home and I no longer have any excuses.  The kids are home with me full time until school starts again so I can actually stay home a few days in a row to try things out again.  I am ready!potty

But, as usual, Big Trouble has other ideas.  He has now developed a fear of the large potty.  “I scared” is his mantra any time he ventures toward the bathroom.  Lovely.  So, I pulled the little Cars potty back out of storage and convinced him not to immediately take it apart, and while he was very encouraging to the rest of the family regarding our use of the potty, I couldn’t convince him to sit on it anymore!  Fantastic.

watching other kids relaxing on the toilet has to be motivating, right?

watching other kids relaxing on the toilet has to be motivating, right?

Back to the library I headed and re-checked out the original potty dvds along with a new one about being a potty pirate.  He was intrigued this time (although it took me actually sitting my big butt on his potty for him to get back on).  He was excited about being a potty pirate and actually sat on his potty for almost an hour with a drink in hand, watching all of the excited children sing about bodily functions and being big kids.  I offered him an m&m as encouragement.  NOTHING HAPPENED!!!

Finally back on the potty and being a potty pirate (at least in his heart)

Finally back on the potty and being a potty pirate (at least in his heart)

He finally stood up; I was frustrated so I let him put his diaper back on since it was only day 1, and we headed back to join the rest of the family.  Within 1 minute of the diaper going back on, he peed (while chanting “no more diapers for me” from the pirate dvd – oh the horrific irony).  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!  It’s like he’s doing this on purpose to drive me nuts!

So, once again, I am going to need some kind thoughts and prayers sent my way as I travel down this road AGAIN with Big Trouble.  He is clearly going to live up to his name in this endeavor, too.  I may even give him a promotion to Major Trouble.

What’s Your Favorite Commercial?

If you’re anything like me, you are probably not a fan of commercials.  I hate them because I am usually watching a kids’ channel and every commercial seems to make my kids think they need just one more light up stuffed animal or some other dumb toy that they will never play with.  But, every now and then, a commercial will resonate with me in a big way.  And usually, that commercial will have something to do with kids (because, let’s face it, that’s where my interests lie right now).clorox

Lately, Clorox has been on a roll with their commercials and it is totally making me stick to only buying their bleach and wipes.  I will gladly pay the extra 50 cents to get the name brand that makes me laugh with their commercials and kills major germs!  Here’s a few of my favorites, all dealing with potty training because, again, that’s my particular dilemma right now (I can’t figure out how to put videos on WordPress because I am not tech-savvy and because my 2-year-old is jumping on my back as I type this, but if you click on the links, you’ll get them – I promise they are all short, but hilarious).

What are some of your favorite commercials?

**I am not being paid to endorse Clorox products, but I would love to become a spokesperson because my kids are as gross as the kids in these videos**

Potty Training Progress….NOT

Well, it has been a few months since I have written about the joys of potty training a little boy.  I’m back with an update on our progress – THERE HASN’T BEEN ANY.  I personally think it is his mission to postpone this milestone as long as possible just to see how long I will be willing to wipe his smeared poo-butt (the result of breakdancing on the floor after hiding in the corner to do his business in his diaper) or pick up the pieces of poo that fall out of his diaper/clean the floor (also the result of breakdancing and then running away from me when finished with his corner business).

I even broke down and went to the library specifically for books about the potty since the dvds have done squat (I even checked out a few books directing me how to coach him, even though I have been through this 2 times before and I’m fairly certain I have already read everything there is to know, none of which is helpful).

We found 3 picture books with different stories: one about a defiant princess (whose attitude seemed vaguely familiar to my little guy) that didn’t like her potty; one about a pirate who crossed the sea to get to his potty, pirate underwear and all; and a Little Critter book about getting a new potty.  Here’s how those books went over:

Book #1:

*Me – The princess didn’t want to use her potty.  That’s probably because she didn’t have a cool Cars potty like you do (I make the books say what I want them to say when my big kids aren’t around to correct me).  Don’t you think she would like to use your Cars party? Vroom, vroom!

*Big Trouble – Ooh toys!  (Of all of the pictures on the page, he bypasses the potty and notices that the princess is playing with toys).

*Me – Yes, she has toys, but she would rather have a Cars potty.  Let’s see if she gets one on the next page when all of the townspeople bring her new potties!  Ooh, she got a potty with polka dots! And one that glows in the dark!  That would be fun to use!

*Big Trouble –  Ooh stairs! (someone was climbing stairs to hand over a potty).

*Me – Yep, there’s the stairs, but look at how she got new underwear so that she could use the big girl potty!  You have some new underwear that you can wear when you use the big boy potty!

*Big Trouble – Princess went pee-pee and poo-poo. (WAIT, WHAT?!)

*Me – THAT’S RIGHT! (yes, I screamed it because I was so shocked that he finally tuned in)  Don’t you want to go pee-pee and poo-poo in the potty?

*Big Trouble – ooh, cookies.

And, that’s how that book went.

Book #2:

*Me – Look, here’s a big boy pirate who wants to find the potty.  Do you see the potty?

*Big Trouble – ooh, pirate! yeah!

*Me – There’s his potty!  See how the pirate uses the potty?  He doesn’t like diapers.

*Big Trouble – ooh, bird. (FOCUS KID!)

*Me – yep, pirates who use the potty get a bird.  (wait, did I just kind of try to bribe him with a bird? oops)  And here’s his cool hat that he wears on the potty.  We have a pirate hat you can wear on the potty if you want to.

*Big Trouble – ooh, mouse. (oh well, at least he didn’t catch my accidental bird bribery).

*Me – yep, that’s a mouse.  But look here at this fun pirate potty!  The pirate uses his potty like a big boy!  You can be a big boy like the pirate if you go to the potty and not in your diaper.

*Big Trouble – oh no, he cry. baby cry.

*Me – no, he’s laughing, not crying.  He’s happy he is a big boy using the potty.

*Big Trouble – oh no, he cry.

*Me – no, honey, he’s not sad, he’s happy!  Potties are fun!

*Big Trouble – Buzz! Rex-y! Woody! Bullseye! (He was no longer concerned with the crying pirate as he had already moved on to a Toy Story book that was on the floor next to us)

Book #3:

Me – Hold on sweetie, Little Critter is going to get a new potty in this book! That’s more fun than Toy Story!

Big Trouble – I say NO! (he got off my lap and ran off to find his farm animals).

So, as you can see, great strides in the art of potty training are being made here at our house.   Sigh.

No, Honey, Those Are Not Fruit Snacks

I don't see why he isn't interested in this!

I don’t see why he isn’t interested in this!

As I have mentioned in the past, I am in the process of potty training my youngest.  He wants nothing to do with it other than to just sit randomly on his little toilet and tell me what a big boy he is.

Yesterday, I noticed him hiding in his spot and I knew exactly what he was up to.  I went over to him, checked the diaper and noticed that he had started to soil himself, but was clearly not finished.  So, I decided that maybe if I got him on his potty mid-poo, he would get a few, um, “pieces” in there and I would be able to praise him and show him how this whole business is supposed to go.

I asked him if he could sit on his potty and he said yes so I brought over the toilet and carefully took off his gross diaper while he straddled the seat.  He sat down for 3.5 seconds and that was the extent of his interest.  But, with my good timing, he managed to put a little something in the toilet during those few seconds of down time.

As he stood up, I cheered and told him he was a big boy for using the potty and I pointed into the little container so that he could admire his handiwork.  **Only at this point in childhood are we so excited about feces.**  He looked at me and then into the potty and then back at me and said, “oooh, fruit snacks!” and then started to reach into the toilet to grab out his deposit, apparently to eat it.  Yeah.

Fortunately, I have the reflexes of a jungle cat when it comes to all things kid-related and I was able to prevent this disgusting occurrence.  But, seriously, who poops in the potty and mistakes it for a fruit snack?! Only my kid.

Once again he has proven that we are making absolutely no progress and he has more potential at being a Depends model than becoming a regular toilet user.  He has also made me look at fruit snacks in an entirely different light.

First Name: Big; Last Name: Trouble

So, here’s how I started off the week.

2-Year-Old (aka Big Trouble), after eating his breakfast: I try big boy cup.

Me: Ok, let’s find a fun cup and we’ll just pour a little in so you can see if you can handle it now. (for the record, we try this each week and the outcome is never good).

I find a tiny cup, pour approx. 1/2 tsp. of milk into it and hand it over.

He takes it holds it to his mouth and proceeds to tilt it back to drink.  I watch the drink pass into his mouth like it should and then he slowly lets it dribble back out and down his shirt into his lap.  WHY?! He was doing so good until he let it come back out!

B.T., looking up at me with innocent eyes: Uh oh, I wet, mommy.    Take clothes on please.  (He meant take clothes off, but it was kind of cute to hear it this way – although not as cute to have to already change him approx. 30 minutes after he was dressed)

I pull him down from his chair and see that the 1/2 tsp of milk has literally soaked him. HOW?!

He happily strips down to his diaper and then refuses to put any other clothes back on and insists on taking the diaper off, too.

Me: Fine.  As long as you sit on the potty while you are naked.

B.T., while prancing around the house and avoiding the potty: I nakey, I nakey – WOO HOO. (what is it with boys and being naked?)

As I try to chase him down to avoid any other “liquids” being spilt in the house, he grabs his guitar and starts singing and dancing, a la the Naked Cowboy, sans tighty-whiteys.  Good Lord.

I finally wrangle him onto the potty seat, where he sits for a few minutes, recounts the numerous ways you can say poop/pee and tells me how he is such a big boy.  Meanwhile, nothing has been inserted into the toilet.  Luckily, he was distracted long enough for me to get another shirt on him.

He hops up, I catch him and practically have to sit on him to get a diaper back on before he manages to escape me again and take off running down the hall.

I collapse on the couch, exhausted just watching him run around.  It’s only 8:30 on Monday morning and he’s already smacked me in the face with the knowledge that he isn’t even close to being potty trained, nor does he possess the talent to drink from a cup while resisting the temptation of drooling it all back out “for fun”.  Sigh, I’ve got a long way to go…..BIG TROUBLE.

Good thing he is cute

Good thing he is cute

You Say Potty Training, I say Dear God!

Yeah, ain't gonna happen

Yeah, ain’t gonna happen

Once again I have reached one of the worst milestones of parenting: POTTY TRAINING.  I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.   I have done this twice before, each with different techniques and results; and yet, even though I have written about my previous attempts with my 3rd, months later here I am, still at a loss as how to proceed with this one as he is quite different from my other two.

My older son was convinced that he must rebel against his evil mother who was trying to deprive him of the joys of sitting in his own excrement for the rest of his given life and would only consent to go once I had thrown up my hands in defeat and told him that he would just have to wear Depends (this was approx. 1 1/2 years after we began the process – not exaggerating).

My daughter, who is extremely prissy in most instances, was a potty training enigma because she was one of the only kids I knew who didn’t mind a bit o’ nasty in the big girl panties as long as she could keep playing.  So gross and totally disproving the theory that girls are easier than boys to potty train (although she was done a few months sooner than my son).

I had heard that subsequent children become interested in the potty earlier because they see their older brothers/sisters using it and want to be big like them.  Much like the falsehood that is “girls are easier to potty train than boys,”  this rumor has also proven to be unfounded.  My little guy turned two in October and could care less.  He just can’t be bothered to take time out of his busy schedule to pop a squat and deposit his goodies in the proper receptacle.  He doesn’t want to stand and aim at anything either, even though I have provided big brother as an example of the proper way to dispose of bodily functions.  He would rather try to reach into the toilet to grab the Cheerios or throw a boat in there to play with.  He is just a non-stop whirlwind, and a large one at that. Quite the dilemma.

Trying to learn from my older son who took longer to train because he was resisting me telling him what to do, I have been actively attempting to incorporate the idea of the big boy potty without forcing it on the little one.  For example:

  • I bought him an amazing Cars potty which makes an awesome VROOOM sound.  This was a mistake as the button that makes the noise is the only part of the toilet he is interested in (unless he feels the need to disassemble it and attempt to put it back together improperly).  Glad I could accidentally find a way to distract him even more from the task at hand.  Smack to the forehead for my stupidity and punches to the faces of the makers of the stupid Cars toilet.  Clearly the designers are old men who have never dealt with the attention spans of 2-year-old boys.
  • I re-purchased Elmo’s potty time.  My older two had this and we passed it on to my nephew when they were done so we were due for a new copy as I can actually deal with hearing the funny songs over and over (unlike nearly every other children’s dvd we own).  I had hoped that seeing Elmo on the commode and hearing about the joys of using the toilet, and even the ups and downs of having accidents, would make him want to at least try out his potty or the big potty.  No such luck.  All he has taken from it are the many different ways you can say “Pee” and “Poo”.  If you have seen this dvd, you know what I am talking about.  He has even murmured “I call it pee-pee and poo- poo” in his sleep.  Lovely.  People are going to start thinking he has Tourette’s if he keeps yelling out all of these terms. His new favorite song is “You’ll do it, you’ll use the potty” from this dvd.  How ironic as I have my doubts as to whether he ever will actually do it, although he does tell me that I am a big boy each time I successfully make it through the bathroom process so I know he gets the concept more than he is letting on.
  • I have tried letting him wear a pair of big boy underwear.  He is not a fan of the “constriction” and immediately strips down to his birthday suit and takes off streaking through the house.  This act of going commando is not a bright sign for the future.
  • I was going to bring the potty out into the living room so that he could just sit on it and get a feel for it while watching Super Why or reading a book, but then I had a dream that he was 30, sitting on his Cars potty all day watching Sports Center and asking for a beer and now I just can’t bring myself to follow through.

    using his Cars toilet as a neck brace, clearly headed down the right path

    using his Cars toilet as a neck brace, clearly headed down the right path

Now, it’s not just the stubbornness of my kids or the lackadaisical attitude that drives me nuts, but it’s also the fact that now I have to revert to the newborn phase and keep a “just in case an accident happens” bag ready each time I dare leave the house.  And, accidents will most definitely happen – Elmo told me that, usually during the one time I manage to forget the “just in case” bag (I will not go into detail but let’s just say that a rather large and messy accident occurred while out to dinner with my oldest one night and our “just in case” bag was nowhere to be found- we haven’t been back to that restaurant in 4 years and we shudder with horror each time we drive by at the very memory of this accident).  Also, if you have a boy, it may not be an accident at all when they randomly decide to whip out their boy parts because they had been told it was fun to pee on a tree.  A TREE, BUT NOT THE TOILET!

You find out quickly that if you are brave enough to venture beyond your own front yard on a regular basis, you will be forced to visit each and every public restroom in the city, mostly for no reason other than to allow your child to check out the sinks.  God help you if you have more than one young child and the handicapped stall is taken.  My older two are less than 18 months apart and, on numerous occasions, I found myself squeezed inside of a regular stall,  propping my butt against the stall door hoisting one kid over the toilet while trying to prevent the other from crawling out, using only my knees and big toes.  Also did this once in an airplane bathroom.  It was exhilarating.

Once you finally manage to make it out of the bathroom 15 minutes later (usually after a “false alarm”), you will inevitably find yourself in aisle 7 with a cart full of groceries hearing the magic words, “uh oh!” This causes you to quickly debate whether or not to just get the heck out of dodge or do the right thing and let some poor, unsuspecting employee know that your kid isn’t housebroken yet so they will need to take of the business that you so kindly left for them.

I’m not even going to mention all of the people who are silently (and sometimes not so silently) judging you to be a poor parent because your kid isn’t out of diapers by age two like their child was.  (sidenote: it is not helpful to the potty training cause to point out these facts and once the kid gets older, who really gives a crap? I mean this both literally and metaphorically.  Just be sympathetic because I’m about to lose it over here!!!)

save it for your resume

save it for the resume

I tremble in fear at what is headed my way in the very near future and I remember feeling this desperate with the other two so I know eventually it will pass, but it is still such a daunting process right now, especially as I glance over into the corner as I am typing this very post to notice a little head peeking out of his “poo spot” (yes, he has a spot that he goes to and it is not the toilet) and smiling a mischievous smile at me, taunting me with the knowledge that my fear of eternally changing diapers will not be ending any time soon….

My Own Clorox Moment

I was in love with this Clorox commercial from the first moment I saw it.  It’s totally disgusting, but also totally something that I could see happening at my house.

Guess what?  A slightly less nasty version of this finally did happen here a few days ago.  (And by using the word “finally”, I am not in any way saying that I was looking forward to this moment, I am merely admitting that I pretty much knew it was coming and, sure enough, it did.)  No, I did not document this catastrophe with pictures (count yourself blessed) but I will relive the moment now for your reading pleasure.

I recently started attempting to potty train my 22-month-old; nothing hardcore yet because he appears to be more interested in taking apart his new potty seat than actually using it, but we’re introducing it and trying to get him to really understand the concept. His big brother recently demonstrated how to properly “aim” into the potty since he didn’t seem to be responding to the girlier method of sitting while peeing (and I obviously didn’t have the parts to show him an alternate route).  He seemed to take it all in.

Then, a few days ago, he randomly stripped off his diaper, came up to me and said, “I go potty?” in the form of a question, which is unlike the, “I go potty!” exclamation that occurs every time he enters the bathroom as if the act of walking into the same room as the toilet constitutes actually going.  So, naturally, I was thrilled to help him out!  I quickly ran into the bathroom to retrieve his new Cars potty and attempted to bring it out to him.  Apparently, the 10 seconds this took was 9 seconds too long because as I sprinted out of the bathroom with the mini toilet, I saw him purposefully aim his boy parts toward a tiny folding chair that belongs to his brother and just let go.

I let out the dramatic slow-motion “NOOOOOOOOOOO” as he turned to give me a confused look.  Seriously?  The kid has been obsessed with the toilet for months but he chose to decide that the chair would be a more suitable place to begin the journey toward effective peeing techniques?!  He stood there staring at me, then he smiled and gave his usual, “I go potty!” cheer and waited for me to praise him.  Meanwhile, I’m standing frozen, toilet still in hand, trying to decide the best way to start cleaning the mess while being able to get him out of the way without spreading the bodily fluids over more territory.

As if anticipating my next impulse, he suddenly took off, pee feet and all and headed toward the bathroom.  Great.  Now he figures out where he should have been all along.  I ran to grab a towel to place over the chair and floor until I could clean off my little guy and get some pants back on him and when I returned, I notice that he had now confiscated 3 toothbrushes from their holders on the sink counter and was threatening to use all of them for other non tooth-related purposes.  Are you kidding me, kid?!

Somehow with my mother-in-crisis-mode adrenal rush, I managed to catch him, save the toothbrushes from their imminent death in the big toilet, and get him settled in his booster seat with some graham crackers (AND A DIAPER) while I went to survey the original disaster zone.  It was quite unsettling, but I knew in the back of my mind that it could have been much worse (my dear older son set a high bar for disgusting during his potty-training years…in public…while we were eating…but that’s a whole other story for a day when you have a stronger stomach).

Once I was done cleaning everything up, my mind immediately went to the Clorox commercial and I had to laugh because I knew it was just another disturbing  fascinating story from my ‘never-a-dull-moment’ life as a mother!  Can’t wait to see what kind of “fun” my kids come up with next!