Humiliation At Its Finest

tired momA few days ago, we got a notice in the mail from Costco explaining that they had recalled this nasty seafood spread which they had been sampling last month and which my husband had fallen in love with and purchased 2 tubs of.  The letter was dated 2/4 and the expiration date of the said recalled item was 1/31.  Anyone else see the problem with these dates?

Well, as he is still alive and kicking, I am guessing that listeria or swine flu or herpes or whatever the problem with the seafood spread was didn’t affect my husband.  However, the fact that he had spent $16 on these infectious spreads did!  So, naturally, as a stay-at-home mom with nothing else to do, it fell to me to take Costco up on their offer to refund the full purchase price.

No big deal, Big Trouble (my 2-year-old) and I love the hotdogs at Costco so we could just get our refund and then have an early lunch date over the $1.50 hotdog special.  Great plan.  Here’s my train of thought at that point:

Wait, Costco doesn’t open until 10 and I have a dentist appointment shortly after that. We better get there as soon as it opens so we can get in and out quickly.  I know, we’ll go to the Walmart right next to Costco beforehand so we can pick up a few grocery items and a frame for the poster we had made for daddy’s Valentine’s present.  Good Lord, I am the mother of all fantastic game plans regarding maximizing time and effort on outings! (Pat on the back to myself)

We arrive at Walmart at 9:40, ready to make a mad dash through the store, grab the 3 things we need and get out of there before any mishaps occur.  I decided to grab the frame first because that was the only thing not in the grocery section and because that was the one item that might take a minute to pick out.  Again, I had a plan!

I throw gently place my son in the cart and we head off in search of the cheapest perfect frame.  We quickly reach the aisle and I start to frantically search for the size that we need.  It is a bigger size so the selection is quite limited, which actually works in my favor because I only have 2 to choose from instead of 35.  As I stop for 15 seconds to decide which of the two would work better for the photo poster, my son starts screaming, “let’s go, Mommy;  I’m ready, Mommy; let’s go; let’s go; I’m ready, MOOOOOMMMMMY”.

Seriously, kid?  We just stopped for 2 seconds!  Where do you need to go?  People are staring.  Here; take your cup and shut your precious little pie hole while I make a decision.

He didn’t like how I tried to handle the situation.  He looked at me with a nasty glare, took his cup and hurled it over one aisle into the next.  OH MY LORD!  Luckily, the aisle was empty so no one got bashed in the head with a flying sippy cup.  However, much to my surprise (and dismay), the shelves at Walmart do not go all the way to the ground.  I had never noticed this before, probably because I equate being on the floor at Walmart to touching someone with leprosy.  This meant that the cup had ample opportunity to choose a location underneath the shelf and it chose the very middle of the middle (aka, the hardest place in the world to reach, naturally).

Now, the sane person part of me (yes, there is a little bit of her left) wanted to just leave the cup and run, but the frugal mom part of me was screaming, “get under there and get that cup – they aren’t that cheap and you know your kid goes through them too quickly to let this one go”.   As I am still semi-young enough to get down on my hands and knees, I decided to listen to the mom side.  Big mistake.  It was so gross under there and I had to almost crawl completely under the shelf to reach it, resulting in my clothes, which had just come out of the dryer that morning, being covered in the nastiness that is the floor of Walmart.  You don’t even want to know what I saw under there.  MUST LEARN TO LISTEN TO THE SANE PERSON PART OF THE BRAIN FROM NOW ON!!!!

But, that wasn’t the worst part.  As I’m on the floor in a most unflattering position like a complete idiot,  I hear my screaming kid stop screaming for a minute.  Then I hear him start laughing as he shouts out, “MOMMY’S BOOTY! HAHA! “MOMMY’S BOOTY!”  (I guess I should be grateful that he didn’t add a “big” in there).  Then from afar I hear grownup laughing.  I’m talking more than one person’s giggles.  I am tempted to just move into the undergrowth of Walmart germs permanently to avoid having to look those people in the eye.  I climb back out to the tune of more giggles and “Mommy’s booty” shouts and see that several employees have been watching this whole encounter and not even trying to pretend to look away.  Nice.

I attempt to dust myself off, while trying to decide whether or not to just burn my clothes and sanitize myself in a big vat of alcohol when I get home.  At that point, the frame no longer mattered so I just grabbed the first one I saw and hit the road to the grocery section.  (It turned out that my embarrassment and distraction caused me to buy the wrong size, resulting in me having to return it later that day, which was so much fun, but that’s a whole other annoying story).

We grabbed the groceries, bypassed the toddler section where he grabbed my face and emphatically told me he needed diapers, and went through self checkout where I wouldn’t have to explain my appearance or my son’s use of the word booty, nor would I have to worry about him committing battery via cup.

Shoot!  I still have to go to Costco!  Ugh.

I knew deep down that this wasn’t a good idea because B.T. was already starting to act like a madman and that is never a good way to enter a store, but the supposedly rational part of me knew that we were already right there at Costco and we were early, plus they sent us the letter so we should be expected and the return should just take a second; the hotdogs could wait until another day.

I think you know that the return did not take just a second and I think you know my angel acted like he had been possessed by the devil from the moment he got into the cart.  Unfortunately, they do not offer exorcisms at Costco, though they should because people with multiple children could really use those in bulk.

There were 2 other people in line with returns (really?!) so we had to wait.  The cashier was 112 and clearly hadn’t been trained properly.  Of course.  Why should I expect anything else with the day I was already having?  Did I mention that it was only 10 am at this point?

He starts screaming again about being ready to go and all that nonsense that he started with at Walmart.  People were staring.  I was smiling like the Joker because I was trying to stay calm even though I wanted to choke the cashier/throw my son over the counter to have a little fun with the Costco people.

I tried distraction: “I see letters on the sign!  What letters do you see?”  He read the letters in ‘Membership Services’ and then started screaming again, clearly done with this spelling lesson of the day.

I tried bribery: “Oooh, I think I see a hotdog!  Do you want a hotdog?”  This got more screams and a very loud, “I SAY NO”.

I tried showing him some love:  I hugged him close and whispered something along the lines of “I love you so much and I know you are frustrated that the old lady is taking so long because Mommy is too but I swear to God you need to hush right now or I will leave you with her while I head into the liquor store around the corner”.  (I don’t actually drink, but it’s times like these when I totally understand the need for it and will never judge those who partake!!!)

I was getting nowhere with him and he was climbing out of the cart, trying to make a break for it as we were finally called up to the counter.  I did what any resourceful mom would do and grabbed his little body with my knees while quickly handing over the letter we received and the one tub of the gross salmon or lobster spread we still had.  I told her we had bought two tubs but, as the other one had expired, we no longer had it, but we should still get the money back for it, per the letter we received from Costco.  She said no problem and quickly did the refund and handed me back $8 and some change.

Hang on, granny, I just told you we got two and you said no problem.  Where’s the other $8?  Oh, let me check with my manager on that.  (Cut to B.T. throwing himself on the floor and bouncing up and down on his butt as he screamed fun phrases like, “HELP”, “I SAY NO”, “GET GONE”, etc.)

This went on for another 5 minutes (that’s like the equivalent of 8 days with a screaming kid) while the entire store was glaring at us for the noise infraction.  I would have thought this would have motivated the cashier to move a little faster, but no, it did not.  She finally handed over the extra money and I threw it in my pocket, scooped the devil up by his feet and ran out of the exit.  The lady checking receipts at the door knew better than to stop me, but some other “helpful” 12-year-old employee rushed over to see if B.T. would like some fruit snacks.  Really?  Now you want to give them to him?  Where were you 10 minutes ago when that bribery would have been more effective?  She then proceeds to tell him that normally his kind of behavior isn’t rewarded and looks directly at me.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  You’re the one who just rewarded him, not me.  Would you like to see how I can reward you for this judgment on my parenting skills?  If I wasn’t a kind person, it would be a fist to the face! (yes, this is what is running through my head as I try to remember WWJD – I’m guessing Jesus wouldn’t have punched her in the face so I probably shouldn’t either.  Darn.)

She must have seen the look on my face because even WWJD couldn’t stop the mama bear stare so she backed off a little and asked if he was 3.  I said, no, he just turned 2 but he’s a very big boy.  “Oh, he’s only 2? Well, that explains it.  My 2-year-old nephew acts like that too.”  Yeah, let’s keep our thoughts to ourselves from now on, person with no children.  I hope you have the world’s most rotten 2-year-old whenever you eventually become a woman.  Again, still working on my silent thoughts.  It is big step for me to just think these things and not say them out loud though, because in the past, I definitely would have (and sometimes still do; I’m only human; sorry, Jesus).

Anyhow, we made it out of there in one piece, even though I was still covered in Walmart yuck and B.T. was now covered in Costco yuck and some dusty tears from not being allowed to run amuck.  It was 10:15.  Blerg.

Despite this whole debacle, I love my little guy, even when he is the devil reincarnated.  Must remind myself of this as I go Lysol my hair!

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14 thoughts on “Humiliation At Its Finest

  1. This is absolutely hilarious!!!! Just picturing you on that Wal-mart floor had me in tears…of laughter…sorry!!! This is just so great…I think Jesus would have been okay with you punching her in the face! A few years back I was at a thrift store and Bency found a flute/horn thing under a rack of clothes and started blowing on it….gross! I immediately told him to put it down because it was yucky. He started bawling and pitching a fit so a worker came over, picked up that horn and handed it back to him and said he could have it for free! Really great…it clearly wasn’t the quarter cost I was worried about it was the germs. Okay, so I let it go and he starts tooting on that thing and she has the audacity to tell me she can’t wait until he leaves. I have never been so mad in my life….I too didn’t punch her but only because she was an old lady but trust me I seriously thought about it!

    • my kids have done that with harmonicas in stores too! What is it that makes kids want to put their mouths on everything?! EW! and, I understand that our kids can be annoying to others sometimes, but BE KIND! Can’t people see we are suffering enough when they act like that?! 🙂

  2. This is so funny (although I am sure it wasn’t at the time!!!) Shopping with a two-year-old can be complete and utter torture. I have had to put the Joker face on, too, when the store tantrums happened. I am appalled by the fruit snack lady. How rude!

  3. I was laughing out loud reading this! Thank you! I have a 2 year old red haired B.T. and I am so glad I found your blog. I feel like I finally found a friend and someone who truly gets it.

    • thank you! I try to find the humor in these crazy experiences to keep from getting completely overwhelmed! Usually the laughter comes in hindsight, rather than right at that moment, but it always comes 🙂

    • Toddler sent before I finished typing…

      I have an acquaintance from college who works at a day care and frequently does tirades about how ‘kids today ain’t got no respect for nobody’ and all the things she will and won’t do as a parent. I smile and secretly hope she has demon redneck triplets…

      • It wouldn’t bother me as much, but she really thinks she has it down because she does day care… Oh, honey sending them home at the end of the day and motherhood are universes apart. She’ll get it one day. Lol

      • so, so true! World’s apart from having them 24-7. Someone mentioned that once my youngest starts preschool for a few hours 3 days a week in the fall, I should try to get a part time job at a preschool (possibly his) since I am so familiar with it. I was like, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! There’s a reason I am sending him to preschool!!!! haha!

      • Ha! I was a substitute teacher for two years, but I had different kids every day, I got to send them home, and I got to eat lunch alone or with other grown-ups. Lol

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