The Side of Motherhood No One Ever Warns You About

Kids are gross. I have 3 and I have learned this well.  With my youngest, however, I think I may have finally won the record for the most diaper-related catastrophes in one morning.  Hooray for me.

It began this weekend before dawn when my toddler woke up grinning and ready to tackle the day at 5:30. I decided to be nice and snatch him quickly so that everyone else could sleep a little later.  We headed downstairs in the dark where I attempted to sit quietly with him, hoping he might fall back to sleep.  This plan was quickly foiled when he promptly peed out of his overflowing diaper and soaked us both.

This led us to change #1 and our first bath of the day.  Now, he LOVES bath time, which is not always the case for a toddler, so he was thrilled that he was able to get in the tub before 6am.  Me? Not so much, but I was wide awake at this point so I washed him off and let him splash around for a few minutes while I tried to clean myself up.

apparently this is early morning fun

Then he decided to eat some breakfast.  Of course the moment I step away from the table, he grabs the open container of apple sauce and dumps it on his head.  It turns  out that he has learned that if he pulls hard enough on the tablecloth, he can get items to slide over to him without my knowledge.  So glad he has already learned this, leaving nothing safe on the table unless I park his high chair 3 miles away.  Then he decided to try to eat the little bit that was left on his tray and when I looked at him with my look of dismay, he started laughing and sprayed pretty much all of the extra applesauce into my face, along with a cereal bar and God knows what else.  Good times.

My husband had taken our older kids to the park during this fiasco so I decided I would just let the kid get yet another bath.   I let him finish making a mess and then pulled him out of the chair to prepare for bath #2 (it was not even 10:00).  I took him in the bathroom and started to take him out of his outfit.  He was so excited to see the tub again that he tried to climb in with his diaper on.  I’m used to this reaction so I tried to quickly remove it before he tumbled head first into the tub.

This turned out to be a mistake of epic proportions, however, because unbeknownst to mommy, my kid was in the middle of his morning poo and my hand became the recipient of most of it without any warning.  (Cut to me SCREAMING like a maniac at the nastiness occurring and freaking out because he was trying to get into the tub all poopy and no one was there to help me catch it or catch and clean him, etc.  You get the picture).

I got no such warning

Well, after I was able to wrangle him without getting poo on anything but the diaper and myself, I thoroughly washed my soiled hands like never before and started the water for bath #2.  Approximately 20 seconds after I started the water, I hear our front door open and my husband yell, “hey, we went to the grocery store first instead of the park. Can you come grab a few of the cold things so we can head over to the park now?”  I tried to yell back that it wasn’t a great time since I had just started the bath, but since the baby wasn’t actually in yet, my husband somehow convinced me to just let him come out to the living room with me while I grabbed the bags from him.  I knew this wasn’t a great plan, but I thought I was fast enough.  After all, it was only 3 bags with a few items in each.

Big mistake.  As soon as I opened the bathroom door to go get the groceries, my sweet boy ran over to a basket of (thankfully) dirty clothes, looked my direction, and proceeded to pee in it. Ew.  What is it with baby boys?  They seriously cannot be naked for longer than 30 seconds without peeing on something!  Well, at least it was into the basket that I had to wash anyway.  We just started the washing process a lot faster.  After I cleaned up that mess and glared at my husband who wisely left again with the older kids, I got him back into the tub where he had another grand old time.

I’m not going to lie, I was figuratively and literally “pooped” before lunch time!  This is scary because if he has moments like this before I start potty training, I have no idea what to expect when he is actually in the process!  He has already tried his best to break me down because that morning was SO DISGUSTING!  However, as a third-time mom, I am a seasoned vet at getting bodily fluids on me, so it’s going to take more than that to push me over the edge….though probably not much more because that morning was pretty hardcore.

So glad you could share it with me.

And, for the record, immediately after  I dressed him in outfit #2, he went over to the table where my daughter had left a bottle of water (apparently with the lid not closed tightly) and tried to drink it, resulting in Noah’s flood revisited and the need for yet another outfit….ALL BEFORE NOON!


4 thoughts on “The Side of Motherhood No One Ever Warns You About

  1. They are cute when they are little, but I sure dont miss all of that. I used to say my son had “power poops” because they would literally explode in and from his diaper. Usually right after I had changed him. Hopefully this afternoon goes a little more smoothly.

  2. It gets better. One day they will be mostly grown and you’ll sort of miss the chaos for half a minute. Then you deal with the new chaos of teen stink and schedules. I don’t miss changing diapers and bath time but I do miss reading stories and rocking. Good times, indeed–now I hope they’ll want to talk to me when I’m not in the middle of working on something! May we all thrive in the place we stand now.

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